Did it happen to you?  That even you somehow kind of expecting something, and you know it is just a matter of time that it will happen; and then.. Bam! That something happened. And you would still somehow felt surprise.  Still felt uneasy.

BAM!

It happened to me. Even before, a year ago, I knew it was coming. My tasks were always changing. The current projects were suddenly be stopped. And I felt that we are just looking for projects/tasks to do. Then two months ago... A meeting notification was sent. After 30min, Tadaaa... We were redundant. Yeah 'we'. The whole floor was deserted. All was done. We are all smiling back then. It is as if we're all expecting it. It seems everything was fine.

At that time. My head was all cheers and saying everything will be okay. All the severance pay that I'lll get will make everything normal. It will be easy to get another job.

OUCH!

Oh boy I am wrong.

Here I am, two months have passed. I am smiling and all but deep inside there's a worrying feeling. I am, troubled.  I have made several applications but no progress. And adding the fact that me and my wife are expecting our first born. And the hardest part to see is that she's the one who is working. She's the one providing. I am not providing anything. I am a burden.

There are "what ifs" and "I should haves", all running inside my head. And the more I think of it, the more I feel down. Self-pity comes in. All blaming myself. I am silly! I thought these would be easy.

I am..

Useless.

YEAH!

But there's also this realization. If I would stay this way, being down and all, and this self-pity stuff, nothing will change. It won't change me being jobless. It won't change me not being able to provide for my family.

There's no one that will put away these feelings but me. There's no one that will solve all these problems but me. 

I should put aside this worrying, this uneasiness and this self-pity. And stop all this whining.

I should stand tall and be strong. Never dwell on rejections. Improve myself. Get a job and provide. 

HMM!

Now. stop.

Start acting